


In Pieces

by daisychainsandlaughs



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-06 11:30:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5415149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisychainsandlaughs/pseuds/daisychainsandlaughs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick has taken Howie's long-time single status for granted. Howie was always there when Nick needed him and it never occurred to Nick that Howie might one day find someone else to be with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He didn’t realize how much he wanted him until he had lost his chance. Howie never really dated anyone so Nick never thought to worry. Howie was always there when Nick needed him and it never occurred to Nick that Howie might one day find someone else to be with. And anyway, Howie always claimed he was “too busy” to date anyone.

Nick planned on telling Howie his feelings before they went on break a few weeks ago, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He thought that telling him before their two week break would give Howie time to think it over before they were forced to practically live out of each other’s pockets on the tour bus. But Nick didn’t say anything and by some horrible twist of fate, Howie returned from break with a somewhat significant other. 

“Have you met Howie’s new girlfriend? She seems pretty nice. Great ass, too,” AJ teased while nudging Howie.

“Amber is not my girlfriend,” Howie blushed, “We’ve just hung out a couple of times.” 

“Yeah, hung out and made out. Don’t think you can play that innocent, Sweet Howie D card with me. I know better,” AJ smirked, clearly enjoying tormenting Howie. 

Howie’s shy blush was quickly replaced with a grin, “Ok, so we’ve made out.” The grin turned into a smirk to match AJ’s, “and she does have a great ass.” 

AJ threw his head back with laughter as he gave Howie a playful punch on the shoulder. “That’s my boy!” 

Brian also laughed while Kevin tried not to smile as he pretended to be annoyed and rolled his eyes. 

Nick wasn’t listening anymore. The mere mention of Howie having a girlfriend hit him in the gut and suddenly feelings of jealousy Nick didn’t even know he had came bubbling to the surface. He hoped none of the guys could hear how fast his heart was pounding, because the sound nearly deafened him. 

***

Nick tried to act normal over the next few days, but it proved to be difficult. Every time Howie’s phone rang, his face lit up and he would walk into another room for some privacy. Nick could hear Howie giggling and whispering and it made that anxious feeling rise to the surface of Nick’s chest. It was like having a severe urge to cry or laugh or scream tightly boxed up and stuck in his chest with no way to let it out. 

Anytime Howie mentioned Amber, Nick immediately went into distress-mode and would either pretend he was busy doing something or make an excuse to leave the room. The other guys noticed Nick’s strange behavior but dismissed it as Nick still getting in the groove of being on the road again. 

Over the next few days Nick interacted with the other guys as little as possible, and when he did he snapped at whoever happened to be in the way. Nick felt like crying, but having no privacy on the bus, he mostly stayed in his bunk and imagined how things might have been different if he had just told Howie how he felt.

Would Howie have said yes? Or would he just smile that sad Howie D smile and let Nick down gently? Nick thought he might never know. He’d lost his chance. 

***

One morning Howie decided to make breakfast for the guys. He was usually the first one up and days he felt particularly rested he would treat the guys to something besides cold cereal. 

Nick woke to the smell of waffles and shuffled into the bus’ cramped kitchen.

“Morning, Nick,” Howie offered a smile. 

Nick grunted a reply. He wasn’t especially fond of mornings. Especially mornings after dreaming about snuggling up with Howie and then waking up to reality. 

Nick sat down and watched Howie make enough food to last a week. He imagined not for the first time how this might have been his life—waking up to Howie making breakfast for just the two of them, watching Howie’s tight muscles move beneath loose pajamas as Nick stood behind him and wrapped his arms around the small, but strong frame, nuzzling Howie’s soft hair…

Nick came back to reality when Howie planted a stack of waffles and scrambled eggs in front of him. 

“Thanks, man, this looks great.” Nick picked up his fork and dug in. 

“Of course, my friend,” Howie smiled. He was way too happy in the mornings, Nick thought. “I was talking to Amber and she suggested adding some lemon zest to give it…”

Before Howie could finish, Nick pushed back his chair and ran to lock himself in the bathroom. 

A moment later Howie knocked, “Nicky? You ok?”

“Fine. Just using the bathroom. Be right out.” Nick splashed water on his face and waited until his heart stopped racing. 

He looked at himself in the mirror. “Get your shit together,” he whispered. If Nick kept acting this way, Howie might get his feelings hurt or begin to suspect something. 

By the time he opened the door AJ and Brian had wandered into the kitchen and started eating. Grateful to have a buffer between him and Howie, Nick sat down without a word and poked at his food. Across the table Howie watched him intently. There was a hint of questioning and sadness in those brown eyes, but Nick refused to meet them. He finished his food and went back to his bunk. 

***

Over the years, Nick and Howie had grown very close. They were the only two who didn’t have a whole lot of “other people” outside the Boys. As far as Nick was concerned, the Boys were his people. Kevin, Brian, AJ, and Howie quickly came to expect Nick to stay with one of them during their breaks, and if Nick wasn’t staying with them he was calling them nearly every day to chat about nothing and everything. Nick rarely stayed in his own place, lately opting for Howie’s, and AJ teased that someone had probably broken in to Nick’s abandoned house and started living there.

“Someone might as well use it,” Nick shrugged.

 

Staying at Howie’s felt like home more so than the other guys’ places. The two could talk all night on nearly every subject or go for hours without saying a word. 

At night they had their routine where Nick would pick a movie while Howie made a snack (usually popcorn, but sometimes something more creative like chips and salsa with homemade guacamole). They would make it about halfway through the film before Howie started nodding off and would fall asleep against Nick’s shoulder, softly snoring. Nick would put his arm around the smaller man and snuggle him closer. Whenever Nick laughed, Howie would bounce against Nick's chest which only made Nick laugh harder. Nick would play with Howie’s new long hair and catch whiffs of his vanilla scented shampoo. Nick lived for those moments. 

One of the best moments, which also happened to be the moment he realized he was in love with Howie, started like most other evenings. Only this time included alcohol. It was Caroline’s birthday and Howie had been pretty down that morning. Nick thought he would try to cheer Howie up by having a mini birthday party for her. He purchased beer, pizza, balloons, and a cake and when Howie saw what Nick had bought he burrowed his face in Nick’s chest and hugged him so tight he could barely breath. 

“Thanks for doing this, Nick. She would have loved it.”

“Sure, man. She’s your sister and you love her. She deserves it and she wants you to be happy.” The guys never talked about Caroline in the past tense. They couldn’t. “And I want you to be happy.” 

Howie smiled, “I’ll drink to that!” 

Their beer cans clinked and were quickly replaced with new ones. Nick let Howie pick the movie this time. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, of course.

“This movie is so weird.” 

Howie turned to face Nick, whose face scrunched at the bizarreness of Violet turning violet. Howie giggled. Howie felt slightly buzzed.

“But it’s so fun! Wouldn’t it be awesome to go to a chocolate factory?”

“Not really. Everything goes wrong there. And the chocolate doesn’t even look that good.”

“Oh you’re no fun,” Howie frowned at his own statement, suddenly becoming serious. “Actually, no, you’re lots of fun.”

Nick tilted his head to face Howie. 

“Thanks so much for doing this. You have no idea how much it means to me—how much you mean to me.”

“Of course, D. I just wanted to see you happy. I know this time of year isn’t easy for you.” 

“No…but I’m glad you’re here, Nicky. We always have a good time. You do make me happy.”

Nick didn’t know if it was the alcohol or not, but his head was suddenly swimming and he had a sudden urge to get closer to Howie. A rush of emotions swept over him and the buzz he had going made his whole body tingle. He couldn’t help but look into Howie’s dark brown eyes staring back at him. 

Nick searched Howie’s face for any sign that he should stop as he slowly leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, but Nick’s heart pounded as he pulled away, the feeling of Howie's soft lips lingering on his own. Howie, who had closed his eyes, slowly opened them to stare back at Nick. 

“Sorry,” Nick breathed and looked down, away from Howie’s searching eyes.

“Don’t be sorry,” Howie inched closer. “It was nice.” And he quickly kissed Nick’s lips, cheek, and brow before looking into his eyes once more and then settling into Nick’s side. 

A few minutes passed. “I love you, Nicky.”

Nick suddenly felt very sober as he put his arm around Howie and held him close. “I love you, too. More than you could ever know,” he whispered into Howie’s hair. 

Howie wrapped an arm around Nick’s waist and played with the hem of his shirt. Nick's skin tingled when Howie's fingers ghosted across his bare skin. Nick wasn’t sure if Howie completely understood that his “I love you” admission went beyond their regular “I love you, buddy” banter, but right now that was ok. In that moment, Nick was content to hold Howie as he began to snore into his chest. 

 

And now he might never have one of those moments again, Nick thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Nick hadn’t suggested staying with Howie before their last break because he had intended on telling Howie his feelings. But Nick didn’t say anything and by the time their break had started Howie had “other plans” and suggested Nick stay with AJ instead. Apparently Howie’s other plans included seeing an “other person.” Amber. Nick hated her and hadn’t even met her. 

***  
Amber planned to visit her friend in Vegas while they were scheduled to play there. She attended the show and Howie introduced her to the guys when they went to a late dinner afterwards. Nick said his “hello’s” and “nice to meet you’s” out of politeness, but remained quiet the rest of the evening. That ball of numbing anxiety filled his chest the entire evening. Nick couldn’t help but think how beautiful, funny, and smart Amber was and how he’d never measure up. She was also a female, which was probably the biggest concern Nick had. Getting Howie’s attention back, and maybe even more, seemed like a lost cause.

When the guys suggested going to a club, Nick opted out. Howie seemed hurt that Nick wasn’t joining them, but nodded and left. Seeing Nick’s unusual lack of interest in going out, Kevin stayed behind with him. 

When they got back to the hotel, Kevin followed Nick into his room.

Immediately, “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I’m just tired.”

“No,” Kevin pressed, “talk to me. I know you and you’ve been in a funk for weeks. Tell me what’s going on.”

Nick stayed quiet for a moment, silently debating whether or not he should tell Kevin. Nick hadn’t told the guys that he liked men as well as women, which made the whole situation even more difficult. Kevin could read them all like a book and might be the only one who would suspect Nick wasn’t totally into girls, but if he did he’d never mentioned it. Nick had made allusions to his preferences, usually in the form of sarcasm, but had never come right out and said it.

Knowing Kevin would prod until Nick told him the truth he sighed, looking down and fingering a suddenly very interesting string on his shirt, “It’s just that…well, Howie.” 

“Ah,” Kevin nodded his head, a look of immediate understanding crossing his face. “I was wondering when this would come out.”

Nick shot him a look of alarm, blonde hair falling into his eyes. Had he been that obvious? 

As if Kevin read his mind, “You freaked out and started giving everyone the cold shoulder the second Howie mentioned Amber’s name. You could barely be in the same room with him anymore. I just put two and two together and have been waiting for you to say something. You can tell me these things, you know.” 

Nick’s face pointed down again, trying to keep all of the emotions he’d been feeling over the past few weeks at bay. 

“Have you told him how you feel?”

Nick took a deep breath, pushing back the tears that prickled his eyes and shaking his head. “No, there’s no point now, is there? Plus, I mean, I don’t even know if he’s into…you know,” Nick trailed off, slightly embarrassed he’d just come out to Kevin in a way he had never intended. And Kevin acted like it was nothing. He loved Kevin for that. 

“Men,” Kevin finished for him.

“Yeah…that.” 

Kevin gently rested his hand on Nick’s shoulder.

“Well, you’ll never know unless you tell him. Who knows? You might be surprised.”

“Are you serious? It could ruin the group. I just… I can’t take that chance. And Howie seems happy. I don’t want to get in the way of anything.”

“With the mood you’ve been in the past few weeks it’s already ruining the group. Or at least making everyone worry about you.” He stared at Nick.

Nick looked up and saw the goofy wide-eyed grin on Kevin’s face and couldn’t help but smile back a little.

“Fuuucckk I’m such an idiot,” he half laughed, half groaned, running a hand through messy blonde hair. “I don’t know what I’m doing…what if he says no?”

“What if he doesn’t? I just want to see you happy again, Nick. And Howie seems happy when he’s with you. And who knows if this thing with Amber will last – You know Howie, always saying he doesn’t have time to date anyone. None of his long-distance relationships last long because he can’t do long distance. Just getting it off your chest might help, even if he ends up saying no.”

Nick nodded, still unsure.

“Plus, I know Howie is hurt that you are avoiding him. He misses you. He complained about how lonely he was when you didn’t stay with him this past break.”

That made Nick smile, but only a little. Clearly Howie hadn’t been that lonely, since he started seeing Amber during that time. 

“I have a feeling Amber is just for some fun and it will blow over. Do us all a favor and at least think about it, okay?” Kevin brought Nick closer to him with a large hand and kissed him on the head before leaving the room.

Falling back on the bed with a big sigh, Nick decided he would tell Howie. Maybe Kevin was right, getting it off his chest might help. He’d been feeling shitty and treating everyone else like shit for too long. It was time to let it out. 

***  
The problem, Nick found over the next few days, was that there was really no time to talk to Howie. There were always people around and when Howie had a moment to himself he seemed to be on the phone with Amber, chatting with the crew, or talking business. Kevin told Nick he was making excuses and if he was going to say something, he needed to just go for it.

Nick resolved to talk to Howie that night. Brian watched Nick from the bed as he paced around his hotel room.

“Doing ok there?”

“Yeah…just thinking.” Nick’s heart felt like it would beat right out of his chest. 

“Well don’t think too hard. You might hurt yourself.”

“You’re right. I just gotta do it.”

“Do what?” But Nick was already out the door. 

 

When Nick reached Howie’s room, he paused mid-knock and considered going back.

What am I doing, Nick thought. He hadn’t even planned what to say.

“Just do it,” he whispered to himself and knocked three times.

Howie appeared confused when he opened the door but quickly smiled that Sweet Howie D smile Nick had come to love.

“Hey, man. What’s up?”

“Can I come in?” 

“Sure.” Howie stood aside and held the door open. Nick sat on the bed, looking at the carpet. 

“Nick? Everything ok?”

“No…I don’t know.” 

Nick felt the bed sink as Howie sat down next to him. He sensed Howie looking at him with concern. Mere minutes ago, Nick felt full of confidence. Now that reality set in and Howie stared at him, he felt completely unsure of himself.

Howie spoke after a few minutes of silence. “Is it something I did? I know you’ve kinda been avoiding me lately.”

Of course Howie would blame himself, even when it was Nick who had been acting like an asshole. He shook his head.

“You know you can talk to me.” Howie rested a hand on Nick’s leg and Nick tensed at the contact. His heart raced, and in that moment he wanted nothing more than to pull Howie close, watch a movie, and forget everything. 

But Nick needed to say something. Howie patiently waited.

Blue eyes finally met brown ones. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

“What? I could never hate you, Nick. Why would you say that?” He gave Nick’s leg a gentle squeeze. 

“Have you ever, you know, cared for someone who doesn’t care for you back?” Nick’s words always came out clumsy when he was nervous.

“Of course. Quite a few times.” 

Nick let his question sit there, hoping Howie would just somehow understand. He didn’t.

Nick ran a hand through his hair, which immediately fell back in his face. He looked at Howie through strands of blonde, hoping he would read his mind so Nick wouldn’t have to say the words out loud. That didn’t work either. 

He closed his eyes. “It’s…you. I like you, like as more than a friend.” 

God that sounds so childish, Nick thought. But there it was. Out in the open.

“Oh.” 

Nick looked at Howie, searching for his reaction. The hand that had been resting on Nick’s leg moved to rub at Howie’s forehead. 

Nick panicked. “I’m sorry. You hate me now. I shouldn’t have said anything, but…Kevin…I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. After that night that we kissed, or I guess I kissed you, I mean, I know you’re with Amber so I don’t know why I’m even…”

“Nick, stop.” 

He stopped. Nick also rambled when he got nervous. 

Howie looked at him with an unreadable expression that quickly softened. He brushed hair out of Nick’s face.

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you so don’t even say that,” he paused. “I guess I’m just surprised. I mean, it makes sense now why you’ve been avoiding me since I started hanging out with Amber.” 

At the mention of her, Nick looked away. 

“You mentioned Kevin. Did he tell you?” 

Nick was confused. “Did Kevin tell me what?”

Now Howie was the one stumbling over his words. 

“Oh, well, I talked to Kevin a little while ago about, well, something that has been bothering me lately” his eyes flicking away for a moment then resettling on Nick’s.

“Oh. What did you say?” Nick was seriously confused now.

“I, uh, just told him that I missed hanging out with you and spending time with you. I’ve been kinda lonely without you.”

 

Nick was confused. “But you’re with Amber, you talk all the time and see her whenever you can.”

“Well sure, we hang out, but she’s nothing serious. We just have fun together...we’re not actually together.”

“But I don’t get it, I thought you were dating. You…”

Howie didn’t let him finish. “Nick, I’m not dating her.” He let out a deep breath. “I like men.”

Nick stopped mid-sentence and in that moment he swore his heart stopped. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?” Nick couldn’t decide if he was annoyed or relieved. He couldn’t wrap his head around it. 

“Probably for the same reasons you didn’t tell me. I mean, do you actually have feelings for me? Because all this time I thought you were unavailable and now you tell me you like me as more than a friend and honestly…I can’t say I haven’t thought about it too.” 

Nick was sure he’d heard that wrong. “What?” He felt stupid for saying it again, but couldn’t think of how else to respond when his whole world had just been turned upside-down. 

“I just assumed Kevin told you. I talked to him about it after that night you and I, uh, kissed. That’s when I realized I might have feelings for you, but didn’t think you could ever return them. It started to drive me crazy and I had to tell someone. And then you started to avoid me and I thought maybe you were weirded out by the whole thing.” 

Kevin, that fucker, Nick thought in the most endearing way possible. He knew this whole time and pushed him to talk to Howie. He’d have to thank him later.

“Wow.” Nick was shocked. This was so not how he’d expected the evening to go. 

“Nick? I’m sorry, I don’t want to make things weird between us. But I do like you as more than a friend.” Howie smiled at his use of Nick’s words.

“No, Howie. Don’t be sorry. I’m the one who has been acting like an ass and I’m so sorry. I like you. A lot. I miss hanging out and watching movies and eating your popcorn and just being with you. I just, I mean, if you like me and I like you, does this mean you would want to…” Just get it out already, Carter, he thought. “Want to be together?” Jesus, could he be any more childish?

Howie laughed a little. “Yeah. I think, I think so. But we will have to be so careful. At least at first. I don’t think we should rush into anything either. Just take it slow, you know?” 

Howie, the ever-present realist.

Nick responded with a light kiss on the lips. Smiling, he said, “Of course. This is all pretty new to me. I mean, I’ve never dated a guy before. I don’t want to screw things up. Especially with you.”

“Well then why don’t we start with something familiar?” Howie squeezed Nick’s arm and stood. “Pick out a movie and I’ll make some popcorn.” Nick smiled, knowing there would be many more wonderful Howie-filled moments to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! You're comments and critiques are always welcome.

**Author's Note:**

> Another attempt at writing. Thank you all, especially kiwialicat, for the encouragement and all of the wonderful works you all produce. Comments/critiques are welcome :)


End file.
